Some background
Growing up my biggest fear was to go blind, so it always made going to the Eye doctor a huge dramatic/emotional ordeal. I'm kind of paranoid when it comes to my eyes, and I've always been super touchy with the whole eye subject. It's funny because it seems like whenever I went to my Eye appointments someone could always be counted on to make some sort of joke about me going blind, or how bad my eyes were, and it always ended up with me bursting into tears.
I remember one time we were ordering my glasses and the lady at Costco Optical kept declaring that she couldn't believe how bad my eyes were, and that my lenses in my glasses were going to be so thick that they would look like coke bottle lenses. My mom of course knew how sensitive I was, and trying to prevent an emotional break down, tried to get the lady to stop talking. It didn't work and I instantly burst into tears.
The story
A few months after I had Marlee, I noticed my vision had gotten worse. I had heard that the hormones from pregnancy could change your eye prescription temporarily, but since I already had a super high prescription and we now had eye insurance, I decided to go get my eyes checked out anyway.
I went to a place in South Jordan called Progressive Eye Care, and Doctor Broadhead noticed that my eye pressure was really high - especially for my age. He had me come back to his office, sometimes a few days in a row and up to 4 times a week, to check my pressure at different times of the day. He ran test after test on me just to make sure he was getting the right results. Sometimes my pressure was on the higher end of average, and sometimes it was above and beyond that. Once it was almost to 40!
Dr. Broadhead talked to me about putting me on eye drops to help lower the pressure. He wanted to take aggressive action since I am so young to be having such high pressures and signs of Glaucoma. He wanted to put me on an eye drop called Travatan Z, but told me I would have to stop nursing because there was a chance it could be carried to Marlee through my breastmilk.
This completely devastated me. Not only because I thought my worst nightmare (going blind) was coming true, but also I had planned on nursing Marlee for a year, and she was younger than 3 months old at the time. Not even close to what I had wanted to do. When he first told me the news, sadness, doubt, and fear overcame me. I know Satan started playing on my emotions because thoughts started flooding in to my mind about me going blind,like not being able to see my kids or grandkids, etc. I prayed for help and tried to kick those thoughts out and fight back the tears as the Doctor was talking to me about my eyes, but they just started streaming out uncontrollably. I was so embarrassed. I think I made him feel awkward, so I tried to explain to him that I am just an emotional person... Ha, I think that just made him feel more awkward
Prayer played a huge part in this whole process. I prayed each night for my eyes, and know that I had a lot of love, support, and prayers from family members in my behalf. I prayed in my car after each doctors visit because I saw so many different ways in how the lord had blessed me.
On one of my many visits to get my pressure checked, Dr. Broadhead had me come in specially on a Saturday when Progressive Eye Care was closed. He was on a work trip, but had his tech come to the office and take my pressure because he was so concerned about me. A few days earlier he had put me on a low dose of eye drops called Timolol maleate so that I could have some time to prepare to stop nursing, because he didn't think the Timolol would work that well. As the tech checked my pressure, I was so nervous that I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. It turns out my pressure had lowered significantly! The tech was so shocked that she checked it a few times, then called the doctor. He couldn't believe how well my eyes absorbed/reacted to the drops.
Immediately after I ran to my car and started praying with tears streaming down my face. I knew that this was a huge blessing from the Lord, and that he was aware of me and my fears. I felt so much comfort and peace, but also was so embarrassed for how I had reacted to my trial. This same feeling was reinforced later that day when I watched a Mormon Message about a girl who had had much harder trials then I did, and spent her life serving others. I felt so guilty for the 'natural man' reaction that I had had.
Dr. Broadhead ended up referring me to a Glaucoma specialist that he had worked with, and eventually I went to an Opthamologist just to be sure. They both ran what seemed like an hundred tests on me, and came to the same conclusion. I am so myopic (near-sighted) that my eye ball shape is really long, which makes all of the features look distorted. The doctors said it is hard to tell if the distorted features are signs of Glaucoma or just because of my Myopia.
I am on a strong eye drop prescription to lower my eye pressure, but I found out that I can nurse while taking the drops. This was another huge blessing to me! The decision to breastfeed Marlee was something that was so important to me. This blessing that he blessed me with was just another example to me that the Lord is aware of us and desires to bless us. I know that the Lord cares about us, and desires to bless us if it is his will. I know that this trial was specially 'pin-pointed' to me because of the lack of faith I have had with my eyes in the past. This was a trial that was so personal; it really hit home. I know the Lord was trying to teach me to have faith in him, and to turn my will over to him. To trust in him that He know what is best not only for me, but for each one of us, even if it means we have to face some of our biggest fears.
